7 Movies that Shouldn’t Exist
Ah, Hollywood; The place of new ideas, old ideas, and mostly no ideas at all recently. Hollywood over the years has had directors wanting to make their mark in cinema history. Some have like the great Steven Speilberg, Martin Scorsese, and Christopher Nolan. Sometimes we get those directors who wanted their dream on the screen that maybe should not be on the screen. And the question you're probably wondering is, are these visions and dreams good? To answer; No, 100% no. In my opinion, here is the list of movies that should not have even made it past the pitch.
7. The Lorax
Yep, I’m gonna start with the controversial pick. The Lorax was an animated film made by Illuminations same studio that made Despicable Me. So obviously they would be perfect for making a movie about the effects of someone taking too much. If you don’t know the story of The Lorax, it centers around a man named the Onceler who tells his story to a young child of how we chopped down too many trees and left none behind. The Lorax approached him many times to ask him not to but the Onceler kept on going. This is a very deep and meaningful story of what happens when someone goes too far. The movie by Illuminations did do the story of the original. However, Illuminations does what they do best and puts annoying blobs/creatures in the movie along with casting pop stars like Taylor Swift and Zach Efron as the leads. Even worse, The Onceler is portrayed as a young hip-hop, 80s, annoying product of the times. If Dr. Seuss saw this today, he would be rolling in his grave. Let’s just hope no more of these Dr.Seuss stories are adapted by Illuminations.
6. Titanic The Legend Goes On
Yes, we live in a world where this movie exists. If you can’t believe it there is an animated movie of the Titanic ripping off James Cameron's magnum opus. It is an hour and a half of money and time wasted full of historical inaccuracies and rapping dogs. Yes, rapping dogs. There are rapping dogs on the Titanic. How did we as a society let this happen? The story follows a young girl who finds love on the Titanic with a rich boy, while she also is set to marry a man she doesn’t want to marry. Does this sound familiar? This is practically the exact story of James Cameron’s Titanic. The boat also has animals working as passengers on the Titanic particularly mice that help the two leads get together. It makes no sense and should be on the banned movies list. It is an abomination and If you even sit through 20 minutes of the movie without turning it off, you will receive a coupon for your wasted time. Somehow this isn’t high on the list.
5. FoodFight!
This movie was slated to release Christmas 2003 but was pushed back to 2012. For many reasons like licensing, and someone stealing the footage. Yes, someone wanted to steal this. According to the box office, 65 million dollars went into this stinker. 65 MILLION DOLLARS! I thought maybe the size and production were impressive. But no, this movie looks as bad as a college student's intro to animation work. One that got a great big F on it. Its animation is so cheap and bad-looking that it gives South Park a run for its money. The story follows the world of Marketopolis Market, where a detective named Dex Dogtective (played by the out-of-date Charlie Sheen) is uncovering a mystery of why famous products are disappearing from a new company called Brand X. This movie is mainly about product placements. For the products who said they didn’t want to be in the movie, they have rip-off versions of them in their place. If you want to get people to leave your house after a party, play this movie and they’ll leave faster than the enjoyment of popping bubble wrap.
4. Rapsittie Street Kids
Never heard of this movie? There’s a reason. This Christmas special aired once in 2002 and never again. This is considered by many to be the “FoodFight!” of Christmas specials. Accompanied by animation so bad that it makes Mario 64 look like Lord of the Rings, this movie has been said by many to be the worst Christmas movie ever. But the cast is anything but the worst. It has Star Wars star Mark Hamil, famous actor Jodi Benson, and even Bart Simpson’s voice actor Nancy Cartright, who has a producing credit. How did this happen? How did all of these talented people and actors whine up in such a dump like this? The story of the movie if you could call it that, follows a boy named Rick who gives a stuffed bear to his crush for Christmas. The bear was given to him because of love, so he’s giving it to someone because of love. I have no idea how that makes sense but it’s a real line from the movie. It is one of the worst animated movies I have ever seen and somehow not at the top of the list.
3. Son of The Mask
Do you remember that Jim Carrey movie “The Mask”? A decent children's flick based on the cartoon of the same name won over audiences for Carrey’s brilliant acting and passable effects. So when the talks of a sequel were in the works for many years, people thought it would be just as good as the first one. Well, the second movie has no Jim Carrey, None of anyone from the first movie apart from Ben Stein who doesn’t bring anything to his role, much less his career. So we eventually got Son of the Mask. And when I say this movie is horrifying I mean scarier than Scream horrifying. The story follows a man who comes across the mask from the first movie and wears it to a costume party for his work. The Mask takes over him and he and his wife have a baby. The baby was born with the powers of the mask. So to retrieve the mask is the Norse god Loki, who looks almost as religiously inaccurate as the Avengers Loki but not quite. The worst part of this movie is the CGI. The CGI is nothing short of nightmares. If you want a real horror movie that doesn’t have any jumpscares or Jim Carrey. This movie will make you so sick that Arby’s will ask you how you achieved such sickness. Once again, somehow this is not at the top of the list, but we are thankfully close.
2. Legend of the Titanic
Oh My God! That’s right folks, it appears there is another animated version of James Cameron's Titanic. I can not believe that we live in a world where two of these exist. And if you can believe it, it is actually worse than the first one. This movie also focuses on talking mice aboard the Titanic, but it is instead a flashback from an older mouse talking about his days as a sailor on the Titanic. Now why does an older person flashbacking to the Titanic and their past sound familiar? Probably because It's from the James Cameron movie. Don’t worry eager reader, that's not it. We then meet a girl named Rose, I mean Elizabeth who is forced to board the ship and marry a man she doesn’t like. Doesn’t that sound familiar? While the man in the James Cameron movie is fun to watch, some consider him misunderstood. Here, they just slap an eye patch on him and say he’s evil. LAZY! The story then cuts to the mice boarding the Titanic. Instead of anything fun happening with them, all the mice do is talk about ship protocol. Isn’t that exciting? If you think it can’t get worse, take a gander at this. While on the ship, Elizabeth discovers she can talk to dolphins. How you may ask? It’s so complicated and long that I refuse to put it in the review. In short; No reason. The dolphins tell Elizabeth that her future husband is a whaler and wants to hunt the whales for money. Why do these movies need a villain? Isn’t the iceberg already a villain? But maybe they change that too. How about instead of an Iceberg sinking the Titanic it was a group of evil sharks that are in league with the bad guy. I'm writing this after finishing this abomination of a review. I wish I did not say that last part. Because it is somehow the actual plot of the movie. If you watch this movie on purpose and somehow stay after the scenes I described. Then you can brag to your friends that you are Insane. Well done. How this is not the worst movie on the list? You’ll see why.
The Room
I can guarantee you have not heard of this movie. If you have then I have a memory eraser from Men in Black that you may use. This movie written, directed, produced, and starred in by Tommy Wiseau, is the worst drama movie and abomination I have ever seen. The movie follows Johnny played by Tommy Wiseau, who is a successful banker who lives happily in a San Francisco townhouse with his fiancée, Lisa. One day, inexplicably, she gets bored of him and decides to seduce Johnny's best friend, Mark. From there, nothing will be the same again. At least that’s how IMDB says it is. And trust me nothing will be the same again after watching this flick. This movie is so bad that it has gained a cult following with many memes and jokes being made out of it. This movie is rated R and was rated that way so no one would have to sit through it and for the movie theater employees to stop people from seeing it. It has the worst acting I have ever seen, the worst actor I have ever seen (Tommy Wiseau), and the worst film I have ever seen. If you ever want people to leave your house after a party or out of spite, play this movie and they’ll leave almost immediately.